Gotei 13's Misadventure in the Grocery Store
by In Soviet Russia
Summary: The Gotei 13 must go on a mission to the store! What happens when someone must stay with the cart and when Hitsugaya is allowed near the freezers! Pure crack. Little to no plot! 8I - FOREVER GUSTA


It was a nice day. The sun was out and the sky was clear. However, there was quite a lot of bitching going on. You see, the Gotei 13 had been sent out on a mission from Captain-Commander Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto. A mission to retrieve... groceries. Yes, groceries. Hence the aforementioned bitching.

"Why the hell does it take this many people to pick up some damn tea leaves? I know _I _have more important shit to be doing..." Renji complained.

"Like working on your manners? It was the Captain-Commander's orders." Byakuya replied.

~~~~~Captain-Commander's Office~~~~~

Yamamoto leaned back and relaxed.

"Finally, some peace and quiet."

~~~~~Back~~~~~

"Nemu! Fetch me some makeup! Quickly, you fool!"

"Hai, Kurotsuchi-taichou."

Nemu hurried off down the aisle to look for the brand of paint Mayuri used. She was gone within seconds.

"Useless girl," Mayuri muttered as he went to find Renji, who had the grocery list. "Let me see that," he snapped, snatching it out of the redhead's hands.

"Jelly rolls. Hmm." Kurotsuchi turned to face Izuru. "You. Aisle five. Find some jelly rolls."

"But aisle five is the cleaning supplies-"

"SHUT UP AND DO IT."

Izuru let out a meep as he processed just how close Ashisogi Jizo was to his face.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"

"Erk! I'll be going now-" Kira spluttered, flash stepping the hell away from Kurotsuchi as fast as he could."

"Worthless little..." Mayuri began, only to be interrupted by Nemu's return.

"Nemu! What have I told you about interrupting me when I'm badmouthing someone!"

"Gomen nasai, Kurotsuchi-taichou. I have the items you requested."

"Excellent. Put them in the cart," he said, gesturing to the overflowing basket being pushed by Hisagi, who looked as if he wanted to run away before the mountain of groceries fell on him.

Scanning the mile-long list once more, Mayuri called over Rangiku and Hitsugaya.

"You two. Go get five gallons of ice cream. The mint one."

"You mean the green one with the chocolate chips?" Rangiku asked.  
>"Yes, you fool, the green one!" he said, scowling. "And you are to make sure we have no repeats of what happened the last time Hitsugaya was allowed near the freezers. Now go! Time is of the essence."<p>

He turned to face Kenpachi and Yachiru. "Go retrieve this... 'Pocky'. And bring me back an extra box for my studies. It sounds interesting."

Yachiru squealed and pointed in the direction of the canned goods aisle, which was in the complete opposite direction of where they were supposed to be going.

"Mush, Ken-chan!"

Izuru reappeared seconds later in an obvious panic clutching about six different packages.

"WHAT FLAVOR?" he screamed.

"THERE ARE FLAVORS?" Hisagi screeched, also beginning to panic. "Just dump all of them in here!"

"OK!"

The heap of food in the cart tilted dangerously as the jelly rolls were shoved in. Hisagi backed off, putting as much space between himself and the cart as possible. Only Byakuya was brave enough to steady it.

There was the sound of stamping feet as Kenpachi and Yachiru realized they were going the wrong way and changed direction. They caught a glimpse of a giggling Yachiru holding a can of green beans in one hand as the duo streaked past.

Mayuri re-examined the list. "Green beans... acquired."

"Izuru, go and find me this 'potato'. Nemu, you're off to pick up the sour cream. Low fat, mind you. Hisagi... stay with the cart."

Hisagi shuddered a bit at the thought of being in constant danger of death by boxes of cereal and cans of soup.

"Renji, you're on ramen patrol. Byakuya, watch the brat," Mayuri continued, nodding towards Renji.

"Hey!"

"Shutup, brat."

Renji huffed indignantly but went off to the ramen aisle anyway, closely followed by Byakuya.

"Hisagi, I'm off to go get the last few things. Guard the cart with your life," Mayuri said, flash stepping off to the bread aisle.

Never before had Hisagi felt so alone. The cart always seemed to be ready to topple over, and it reminded him of how far away help was. It really kept him on edge.

There was a sudden tap on his shoulder. "Oi, Hisagi-"

"HOLY CRAP!" Hisagi screamed, whirling around, zanpakuto at the ready.

"The hell happened to you?" Rangiku asked. "Oi, Hisagi, help me with this ice cream. Then we need to go back and get Hitsugaya..."

"Get Hitsugaya-taichou?"

"Yeah. Last I saw, he was in the freezer cuddling with a box of Totino's Pizza Rolls."

"He became a captain too early, that one," Hisagi said, still warily eyeing the mountain of food.

"You got that right. Whoo, gotta go, gotta go. Make sure he hasn't tried to freeze the other customers..." Rangiku flash stepped away.

And so Hisagi was alone with the cart. Again. He listened for signs of the others' return. A distant thumping could be heard. Kenpachi and Yachiru, he guessed.

Yachiru clung to her captain's shoulder as they flew around the corner, swinging the can of green beans and several bags of marshmallow candies, which she carelessly flung onto the pile, making Hisagi nervous. Kenpachi put down the boxes of Pocky with a bit more care.

Soon, Renji and Byakuya were back, each carrying a large box of chicken-flavored ramen. They stowed these in the space underneath the cart reserved for large items.

Izuru and Nemu reappeared at the same time, each dropping off their assigned items in the shopping cart of impending doom. Mayuri returned soon after, carrying a bag of mini bagels and a jar of strawberry jam. Rangiku eventually made it back, carrying a twitching Hitsugaya who absolutely refused to let go of the box of Eggo's he had stabbed with his zanpakuto.

"Just because you stab it doesn't mean it's yours," Rangiku scolded him as she tried to take them. He growled when she got too close.

"Alright, now for the real challenge: the checkout line."

Everyone grimaced.

It took three people, including Kenpachi, to push the shopping cart to the checkout line. Their pile of groceries towered over everyone else's. The lady behind the cash register could only look on in awe as they pulled up to the conveyor belt and began unloading the food.

After what felt like (and probably was) several hours, all of the food was bagged and ready to be taken back. Unfortunately, there were over nine thousand bags and only ten people to carry them.

Naturally, they made Kenpachi carry pretty much everything, including Yachiru. He took it fairly well, convinced that everyone was testing him to see how strong he was. Everyone else just went along with it.

They finally reached the Captain-Commander's office a little after one o' clock. Yamamoto greeted them all and thanked them as they filed in to unload the food. Again, Kenpachi did most of the work.

The group soon left, exhausted (Hisagi was still a bit twitchy, though).

Renji looked at Byakuya.

"Oi, taichou, your hair clippies are messed up!" he said, reaching over and mussing up Byakuya's hair.

"..."

Renji was laughing his ass off.

"...Chire, Senbonzakura."

Then there was screaming.

And cackling (mostly form Mayuri).

~~~~~Yamamoto's Office~~~~~

"Eh? What's this?" he wondered out loud, reaching down to pick up the stack of papers on his desk. "...Oh, goodness. They forgot the last ten pages of my grocery list."


End file.
